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Baseball Superlatives: Week Ten

Mr. Met Is Hiding A Child

Ben Ellenberg
We Love Baseball 9/27/2020

Hello! Welcome to Baseball Superlatives. A weekly roundup post where we hand out some superlatives and awards for the previous week in baseball. 

 

Most Likely To Succeed: A Playoffs Roundup 

Congratulations to the following teams for their playoff berths in this wacky, wild, incredibly dumb system. To save us time, I have ranked them from least likely to win the World Series to most likely. A list within a list-based article? I know, it MUST be the postseason if I’m already this desperate for content. 

 

The Tampa Bay Rays

The Tampa Bay Rays won their division for the first time since 2010, and this is going to be a very exciting week for them until the New York Yankees kick their teeth in. I’d be a lot more supportive of this team if they still went by the Devil Rays, a far superior team that is much scarier to face in the playoffs.

 

The Chicago White Sox 

The White Sox have clinched their first postseason since 2008. Good for them. 

 

The Toronto Blue Jays 

Congratulations to the Toronto Buffalo Blue Jays on getting to leave Buffalo for a neutral playoff bubble in either San Diego or Los Angeles, they really made it. Now the Blue Jays get to leave behind their small market home, dye their hair blonde, and never answer texts from their friends back in Buffalo, like every single resident of Los Angeles. 

 

The Cincinnati Reds

Have we ever talked about how the mascot for the Reds, Mr. Redlegs, is just Mr. Met trying to hide his secret family while dressed in a bad disguise? And how the name Mr. Redlegs is like someone asked Mr. Met what his name was and he started to just say Mr. Reds, realized that would make it too obvious that he was just Mr. Met trying to hide his secret family while dressed in a bad disguise, so he just said another thing at the end of his fake name and it stuck? No? We never mentioned that? 

We should talk about that. 

 

The San Diego Padres 

The vibiest team in baseball has made the playoffs for the first time in 14 years, and all it took was for them to hit a grand slam every day for an entire season. And a generational talent under the age of 25. And a generational talent over the age of 25. And a generational pitching talent handed to them almost for free because he was annoying in the clubhouse and didn’t take a global pandemic seriously. 

 

The Boston Red Sox 

*Playoff Clinch Tweet Unavailable*

I would like to once again apologize for my behavior at a recent Red Sox – Yankees matchup in Boston. My actions are in no way representative of PitcherList as an organization, and my choices are entirely my own. I am also, at this time, being informed that the Boston Red Sox have not made the playoffs this year, and that they in fact have been very, very, very bad. I would once again like to apologize for this error.

 

The Miami Marlins 

The team projected to have the worst record in the National League is going to the playoffs for the first time since 2003, a year in which they won the World Series. Cancel the rest of baseball, this postseason is a foregone conclusion and everyone else is a chump playing for second place. 

For those that doubt me, I have believed since July. 

 

Biggest Oof: For Taking The Biggest L 

Dez Bryant Would Like A Word

The NFL is still ruling on whether or not this was a catch. 

 

Saddest Tuba Noise: Womp Womp 

With Apologies To Mike Trout 

Imagine if Mike Trout, the greatest baseball player of his generation and possibly the greatest baseball player of all time, had the opportunity to play baseball on a baseball Team. 

It’s like the Green Day song but in reverse – Mike Trout gets to take a nap when September ends. 

 

 Stankiest Bat Flip: For The Bat Flip With The Most Stank On It 

Willson Contreras Sends A Bat To The Moon 

Willson Contreras took one look at bat flips and said “más.” 

So he lined up, took a ball yard, and sent his bat to the moon. The bat spent several days in transit, orbited the moon, then landed on a strange planet in which the Mets failed to make the playoffs. After many adventures and experiences, the bat found itself on Rockaway Beach in Queens, New York, only to stumble upon Citi Field, half-sunken in the sand, realizing now that it had been on Earth this whole time. This was not some far off planet in which the Mets failed to make the postseason – it was Earth! It was Earth this whole time! 

 

Best Thing: For The Best Thing

Trey Mancini Wins

 

The Mariners World Series Report 

OKAY, SO LOOK…

 

Previous Odds: 300%

Current Odds: 1000%

Percentage Change: +700%

Vegas Odds: N/A

Okay, so look… According to the rules of Major League Baseball, the Seattle Mariners have “technically” been “eliminated” from the “playoffs” or whatever. But that’s just a temporary setback in the eventual glory of the rich tapestry of success that is Seattle Mariners baseball. You see, all that has to happen is for some team, preferably the New York Yankees but really anyone, to realize that they’ve stolen a spot from a truly deserving squad. I expect for Aaron Boone to personally call Kyle Lewis and tell him “look man, the boys and I were talkin’ and well… we just wanted to give you all our spot. Give ’em hell out there, you earned it. Not, you know, actually or anything. But in our hearts, you earned it.”

From there, the Mariners go on a tear through the postseason and find themselves up against the Miami Marlins in a World Series matchup that will be described by Rob Manfred as “regrettable” and “not what I paid the umpires for” and “more than three hours.”

The Miracle Run starts here.

 

Ben Ellenberg

Ben lives in Los Angeles and is almost always thinking about Tony Gwynn stuff.

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