“My To-Do List” by Rob Manfred

I, Rob Manfred, am a very busy boy.

I started the off-season with a bang when I locked out all of the players and got rid of their dumb little faces from my websites. And my decision to have Ken Rosenthal fired was an inspired one. Total stroke of genius. I forgot my Twitter password so I can’t actually log in to check, but I’m sure everyone is really impressed with me. I’m sure I sent a very clear message and no one will ever, ever, ever say anything bad about me again. Or else.

And yet, my work is never done. I have so many things I still need to do this off-season in order to make baseball better. No, that’s not right. Not “better.” “Better” isn’t the word I’m looking for. What’s the word I’m looking for? It’s on the tip of my tongue but I just can’t… I hate when this happens. You know what? It’ll come to me.

In the meantime, I might as well jot down the rest of my to-do list for the day.

1. Change the major league minimum to 250 150 100 Chuck E. Cheese tokens.
2. Add the designated hitter to the National League, but (and this is where it gets good) take it away from the American League.
3. Invent cloning. Steal some of A-Rod’s hair. Use the stolen A-Rod hair to make clones of A-Rod. Replace all local broadcasters with the A-Rod clones. Give the A-Rod clones a bonus every time they say the word “bunt” on air.
4. Decide between less sticky stuff or way more sticky stuff. Way more sticky stuff could be cool. But messy. But cool. But also messy. I’ll circle back to this one.
5. Make all of the other journalists sign oaths of fealty. Make the managers sign oaths of fealty. Make the players sign oaths of fealty. Make the grounds crew members sign oaths of fealty. Make the guys who walk around shouting “hot dogs” sign oaths of fealty. Oh, and definitely make the mascots sign oaths of fealty. Especially the Phanatic. I’ve never trusted him. What even is he? Weird green shady little fellow. Shifty eyes.
6. Morning nap.
7. You know what? Let’s get ahead of things and just fire the Phanatic now. He can crawl back to whatever radioactive swamp he came from.
8. Yankee Stadium could use a new name. The old one feels stale. Very 1928. I don’t like it. How about Fortunato’s Field? Home Depot Stadium? The House That Best Buy Built?
9. Brainstorm ways to prank Tony Clark.
10. Is there a way to replace the bat boys with funny little animals? A little puppy running around with Vlad Jr.’s bat? That could be cute. But only if it’s cheaper. Maybe the animals could pay us. 
11. Second morning nap.
12. Call Joe Torre and get his opinion on how many different types of balls we can use next year without telling the fans or players. Is seven too many? Eight? Idk. Let’s plan for eight.
13. Figure out expansion. Where should new teams play? A team on the moon would be pretty cool. Would the moon pay for a new stadium? I’m not going to pay for it.
14. Black-out more MLB.TV games in 2022. Like way more. Waaaaay more.
15. Make them get rid of all that ivy at Wrigley. It makes me sneeze. I hate sneezing.
16. Figure out my Twitter password.
17. Let’s just start every inning with a runner on second, okay?
18. Can we put ads on the Green Monster? Can we sell naming rights to it? Can I just tear it down with my bare hands and sell all the parts to the highest bidder? They don’t need a wall there.
19. I think I’m going to go the way more sticky stuff route. I’m not the one who will have to deal with the mess.
20. New formula for arbitration: games played plus WAR created plus RBIs, all divided by zero. Don’t think too hard about it.
21. Afternoon nap.
22. Maximize profits.

Ohhhh. That’s it! Of course! “Profitable!” That’s the word I was looking for. I’m not trying to make baseball better, I’m trying to make it profitable. I’m trying to make it more profitable. That’s what all the hard work is for, what all the genius ideas are for: to make baseball more profitable. For the owners.

Man, am I glad I figured that one out. It was really bugging me. Now it’s my favorite time of the day: nap time. And I need it. Writing this to-do list was exhausting. So don’t wake me up, no matter what.

Not even if any journalists are mean to me.

 

Graphic adapted by Justin Redler (@reldernitsuj on Twitter)