Anti-List: Guy With No. 2 Pick Can’t Get Over Getting Sniped

We're live at the Pitcher List staff league draft. Ten seconds into the first round and up until now, everything had been going to Adam Lawler's plan — until Mike Trout was selected No. 1.

“Oh, come on!” shrieks Adam Lawler, longtime fantasy baseball manager. “Now what am I going to do?”

We’re live at the Pitcher List staff league draft, an in-person get together for the site’s 12 strongest managers to divvy up players for the 2019 season. The stakes are high. Reputations are on the line. Rebukes are forthcoming. We are 10 seconds into the first round, and up until now, everything had been going to Lawler’s plan  until Mike Trout was selected No. 1.

Wanting so badly to flip over the desk Billy Beane-style, the usually mild-mannered father of two must now fight his inner urge, see past his own rage for 90 seconds, and make an educated pick. He scans his queue none of these guys will work! His queue is full of all the “value” picks he wants to make in later rounds: Jesus Luzardo, JD Martinez, Ronald Acuna. Now what? Trout is the only player worth picking in the first round  these other losers ain’t good enough to lick the dirt off his cleats!

There is no other way to look at it: Lawler has to completely overhaul his entire draft strategy  in the first round. Who else can provide the kind of production that Trout gives you?

  • Mookie Betts? He’s too small. He missed too many games this past year. The game is overwhelming him. Who else?
  • Jose Ramirez? Are you crazy? A guy who hit .270 going No. 2? He’s too small. You’ll be the laughing stock of the league, and there are rumors he can’t hit a curveball!
  • Francisco Lindor? He’s hurt! He’ll be out like … three days! And he’s too small.

In a rage, Lawler directs his attention away from the queue on his screen and onto the source of his white-hot confusion: Alex Fast. Although given absolutely no indication that Fast was going to pick Betts with the top pick, Lawler was convinced that Fast was exactly the type of contrarian to do so.

“You snake in the grass. You sniped me!” Lawler bellows across Nick Pollack’s bedroom to Fast. (Nobody knows why we draft in Nick’s bedroom, but it’s a tradition; and in baseball, we don’t question traditions.) But Fast isn’t listening. He’s busy putting together a 10-pitch sequence GIF of Alex Reyes throwing batting practice.

Lawler mounts Pollack’s futon and stares at Fast until he gets the attention he’s desperately seeking: “You knew I wanted Trout, and you shot me right through the heart!”

“I’m sorry? I had the first pick, and I picked the best player,” remarks Fast, not really believing this is actually happening.

A very nervous Adam Garland steps between the two: “I made cookies! Who wants ginger snaps?”

“Cookies aren’t going to fix this, Adam. Not this time. I demand an apology … a re-pick … and Trout!”

Lawler did get an apology, although nobody in the room could tell if it was genuine. Nobody dwelled on that, however, because by the time he calmed down, his 90 seconds were up, and he auto-drafted Franmil Reyes.

“I can live with that,” Lawler said. “Franmil is my boy.”

Editor’s Note: All names have been kept the same to embarrass the guilty.

(Photo from Freepik.com)

Travis Sherer

All Seattle Mariners fans have learned the future is all we have because the present is always too painful. I am Western Washington University alum, a local sportswriter, an official NCAA basketball statistician, a freelance radio and television production statistician, and a minor league standup comedian. Follow me @ShererTravis on Twitter.

2 responses to “Anti-List: Guy With No. 2 Pick Can’t Get Over Getting Sniped”

  1. andrew says:

    going to need a live reading of this on the podcast, thanks. 5 stars.

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