Bartolo Colon: Best Shape of His Life

Dave Fisher details how The Big Sexy has truly brought sexy back.

This week, pitchers and catchers reported for camp. It’s significant in a variety of ways.

1) It signals the start of the pre-season for baseball.

2) Fans can finally start seeing their teams’ rosters sort out before Spring Training games begin.

3) It’s the time where dozens upon dozens of players will claim to the media, that after an offseason of dieting and exercising, they are officially in the “best shape of their lives.”




And then there’s Bartolo Colon.



Every season, it seems maybe this will be Colon’s final season. He’s been pitching over two decades now, for 11 different teams, and every year his weight has seemingly fluctuated upwards to the point of worry.

And believe it or not, this year appeared to be no different, as Colon came back to camp with the Texas Rangers, looking to make it a ninth straight year pitching 140+ innings, while hopefully keeping his ERA closer to 4.00 than 6.00. The 45-year-old, Dominican Republic vet, just never seems to change.

That is until this offseason. Now everyone at this point usually comes into camp in the “best shape of their life.” You’ve heard it, you know about these crazy workout regimens that these guys get into. But, NOBODY expected one of those guys to be: Bartolo Colon?!?!?



Trainers hate him!

Colon has shown up to camp truly jacked and truly is in THE BEST SHAPE OF HIS LIFE. When asked what his workout and diet consisted of, Colon responded through his interpreter, “I eat a lot of meat. And I lift a lot of weight.” Well, that meat eating, weight lifting program evidently worked as he’s lost every ounce of fat in his body (minus his head), converting it into muscle. Colon has finally earned his ridiculous nickname as The Big Sexy.

The entire Rangers roster and press conference were in complete shock following Colon’s unforeseen entrance. When asked how his new physique will help his pitching, Colon stared stoically at the reporters and mumbled, “Yeah. It’s the same.” The press applauded him. Not for the depth of his words, but for the magnitude of his now chiseled abs.

Bartolo Colon and his newly improved presence with the Rangers will be an interesting story to watch throughout Spring Training. Maybe he gets his elite form back from the old days. Maybe he’s added a few new tricks to his game. Or, maybe not. One thing’s for sure, we’ll still have the same Bartolo Colon, only now he looks to distract batters with his fastball, and win over fans with his biceps. He’s the Big Sexy, and he knows it.

(Photo by Justin Paradis)

Dave Fisher

WLB and Anti-list (RIP). LA native, UCSB alum, Dodgers diehard, and fan of all things comedy. I write silly baseball articles, satire, and comedy scripts. I have watched way too much TV for my own good.

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