Baseball Superlatives: Week Eight

The Los Angeles Dodgers Have A Very Threatening Aura

Hello! Welcome to Superlatives. A weekly roundup post where we hand out some superlatives and awards for the previous week in baseball. 


Most Threatening Aura: For The Thing That Most Likely Wants To Kick My Butt

The Dodgers Just Wanna Talk, Bro 

Let me set the scene for you. 

Int. Your Bedroom – Morning  

CLACK. A rock bounces off your bedroom window. 

From Outside: Psst, hey. Bro.

You try to ignore it at first. Then, another rock. A few more. Impressively thrown, with formidable lateral movement. They bounce off your incredibly strong window. A cacophany of pings and clacks. 

Again, from outside: Yo, bro, open up. 

You groan, as you get to your feet. You’ve been dreading this day for months, knowing it was inevitable but still hoping against hope it would never come. 

Now, more voices from outside: We just wanna talk, bro. Come on out. 

You drag your feet across your bedroom, drawing away the shades and getting momentarily blinded by the early morning sun. When you blink through the sun and regain your sight, you glance down and your worst suspsicions are true. Dread it, run from it if you dare, but they’re here. All of them. 

Through your sun-dazed, sleepy eyes, this is your view from your third story window: 

The entire Los Angeles Dodgers roster is standing outside your home. And they’re here to beat you up.



Crankiest Greinke: For The Greinkiest Moments 

Zack Greinke: Calvinist 

Good News! The Houston Astros have hit a rough patch this season, going 2-8 in their last ten. More Good News! They might somehow miss the expanded playoffs! Even More Good News, someone asked Zack Greinke about that! And even better news than all of this! Zack Greinke said words in an order that formed meaning! 

Win, lose, live, die, in the end everybody makes the playoffs. And if they don’t? Then who cares! The playoffs are for chumps who to play baseball all the time. Zack Greinke isn’t here to talk about things like hope, or the future, or goals. He’s here to do several things, and none of them involve baseball. But he can’t help it. All things will be as they should be, and the Gods of the Universe continue to make Zack Greinke play baseball. 



Biggest Oof: For Taking The Biggest L 

The Tampa Bay Rays Pay Tribute To Boston 

As a Red Sox fan, it can get tiring being a fan of such a respected and beloved franchise. Everywhere we go, it feels like teams are just fawning over us, paying us tribute and respecting our history. Usually, it can be tiring. Sometimes, though, a teams find a new and innovative way to pay tribute to the 2020 Red Sox season, and just one such gesture filled me with a new sense of respect for the class-act organization that is the Tampa Bay Rays. So even during a losing season, where all the Sox see anymore are big fat L’s, the Rays found a way to make us feel seen

It’s just nice to know teams still think of us. 



Saddest Tuba Noise: Womp Womp

Buffalo’s Wild Wins

Imagine there’s a global pandemic. The entire world shuts down. Months pass, uncertainty turns to fear as you don’t know when you’ll ever work again. And you’ve been really sweating it at work anyway because everyone thought you were so great but things just haven’t gone your way since the big promotion and now you’re worried.

Finally, your boss calls. Come back to work, we’re gonna try our best to pick up where we left off, we need you on the team. But there’s one catch. We moved the office from Toronto, your home and a beautiful place. Yeah, they didn’t want us there – because of the whole virus thing. What? No, that’s not FIXED. We’re just gonna keep going and see what happens, this job is too important. What’s that? Where’s the new office? Oh, it’s in Buffalo. 

So now you’re in Buffalo trying to get back into the swing of things at your job, then one day the Mets come and drop 18 runs on you. 

Again, in Buffalo. When the game is over and you need to go home and just like have a beer and sigh deeply, you can’t. You have to go somewhere in Buffalo. Drake never wrote any songs about Buffalo. This is what kind of wild ride Vlad Guerrero Jr. has been on this year. Have some patience. 

Oh, and that wasn’t even the worst score this week. 


It’s a good thing the Detroit Tigers aren’t around to see this. 



Pauliest Pierce: For A Very Specific Thing That Paul Pierce Also Did Once

Aroldis Chapman Joins The Club

Paul Pierce is a champion. He knows what it takes to win at the highest possible level. He has this in common with Aroldis Chapman, who has also won a championship series within his sport. Up until now, this was mostly where the similarities between the two athletes ended. But today, Aroldis Chapman joined Paul Pierce in the most rarefied of airs. 

He pooped himself during a game. 

We think. 


Granted, Paul Pierce did it during the NBA Finals then admitted years later during a nationally televised broadcast. So far, all we know is that Nature Called for Chapman during the 9th inning – but with no other details, we can only speculate wildly and recklessly. Which we will continue to do, tirelessly. Until Chapman confirms this story during a Twitch stream of the 2028 World Series, we’ll have to treat it with folk story status. 



The Mariners World Series Report 


Previous Odds: 200%

Current Odds: 300%

Percentage Change: +100%

Vegas Odds: 400/1 

The Mariners are surging just as the Houston Astros hit a rough skid. This is all part of the plan. As of now, the Mariners are on the verge of a playoff spot. If they get back in, they’re riding this thing all the way to the top. 

The entire organization, from top to bottom, is just one single can of NOS sitting inside The Rock’s tricked out muscle car as he races down a cliffside road chased by a Tomahawk Missile. And The Rock just pressed the big red button that says “engage.” The Mariners may never lose a game again. 


Ben Ellenberg

Ben lives in Los Angeles and is almost always thinking about Tony Gwynn stuff.

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