Baseball Superlatives: Week Nine

Josh Donaldson Didn't Wanna Be Here Anyway.

Hello! Welcome to Superlatives. A weekly roundup post where we hand out some superlatives and awards for the previous week in baseball. 


Dirtiest Job: For The Worst Job 

All Baseball Scouts Do Is A Hold Radar Gun, Eat Sunflower Seeds, And Be Wrong

Give me a pair of Oakley sunglasses, a mustache, and the belief that I can project the mechanics of a 15-year-old athlete onto a 28-year-old pitcher. I’ll just sign random guys from Cape Cod and New Jersey until one of them does what Alec Mills did this week. I know that a No-Hitter doesn’t instantly mean that a pitcher is somehow an ace or even a success in the majors. It does, however, mean that 27 Milwaukee Brewers had to go take a seat because Alec Mills was feeling himself on a Sunday in September. That’s worth six figures and gas reimbursement, right? 


Crankiest Greinke: For The Greinkiest Moments 

Josh Donaldson – Stanky Greinke

If I wasn’t terrified of getting this site shut down by using a Simpsons picture we didn’t acquire the rights for, I’d be posting that shot of Barney Gumble asking someone to hook the Duff Beer right into his veins. But then I’d probably photoshop Josh Donaldson’s face onto Barney Gumble’s and replace Duff Beer with…. Ah, who am I kidding? I made it anyway. No clue if it gets cleared.

Anyway, Josh Donaldson didn’t agree with a pretty poorly called strike, and asked his friendly neighborhood Ump to please tell him where the ball was caught. Things got heated, Donaldson got calmed down, and then he went ahead and did this. 

There’s a lot to love about what Donaldson did. For starters, he hit a home run. Everyone loves home runs. Besides pitchers, but they’re weird and they already have a whole site dedicated to them. 

Second, he PUNTED that dirt over home plate. I’m very excited about the prospect of Donaldson thinking it over in his head as he rounded the bases. At first base, he’s probably thinking he’s going to slide over home, then realized that’s tacky. Maybe at second he’s wondering if you can get through a whole wedgie on an ump before they can get their hands in position to eject him. Then by third he’s decided he’ll just throw a li’l mini tantrum, as a treat. Then, he gets his money’s worth. Once the ejection is in, he makes that sharp turn, comes back, and just really gets in there. 

Some people will call this juvenile, or childish, or some other thing I agree with. What they won’t call it is an acceptable and fun alternative to cursing at an ump. If you’re gonna get ejected, at least make it clear you didn’t even wanna be there anyway. 



Awwwwwwww: For Awwwwwwww





Saddest Tuba Noise: Womp Womp

Santiago Espinal Just Wants To Go Home, DJ LeMahieu Does Not 

Here’s a quick thought experiment for you: The score is 19-3, bottom of the eighth. Nobody on. A second baseman for the Toronto Blue Jays with 60 total at-bats in his MLB career tosses you an absolute tater on an 0-1 count. Do you: 

A.) Take the pitch for a ball. 

B.) Boop it for a single. 

C.) Send that junk back to Toronto, where the pitcher can’t even go get it because his own country has banned the team from entering. 


DJ LeMahieu wants his dingers and he doesn’t care how many wars with Canada he has to start to get them. 


Least Threatening Aura: For The Thing That Least Likely Wants To Kick My Butt

The Oakland A’s Really Actually Do Just Wanna Talk, Pal 


Let me set the scene for you. 

Int. Your Bedroom – Late Morning  

TAP. A pebble bounces off your bedroom window. 

From Outside: Psst, excuse me, sir.

You try to ignore it at first. Then, another pebble. A polite knock at your front door. Silence. 

Again, from outside: Sir, we just need one minute of your time. 

You groan as you get to your feet. These punks come by here every Sunday, and they never take the hint. 

Now, more voices from outside: We have just one question to ask. 

You open the door. 

The entire Oakland Athletics Roster: Have you accepted the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ into your heart yet? 

No, you reply. It’s Rosh Hashanah actually and you haven’t had time. 

One of them steps to the front. He looks familiar, but you can’t quite place it. He looks a bit like Brad Pitt, but not really? 

Not Brad Pitt: Well, sir, my name is Billy Beane. I was just wondering if we can at least play a couple of home series in your backyard? At least until we figure out some stuff with the Coliseum? The pipes burst again and we’re supposed to be getting ready for the playoffs. 

You sigh. Fine, yes, Billy Beane. You can use my backyard again. Just don’t mess with my frisbee golf net this time. 

Wildest Thing: For The Best Reminder That Pitchers Aren’t Like Us 

Jojo Romero Has To Go Work



The Mariners World Series Report 



Previous Odds: 300%

Current Odds: 500%

Percentage Change: +200%

Vegas Odds: 300/1 

Mother nature wanted to stop the Seattle Mariners from playing baseball, so Kyle “The Logo” Lewis went out and hit Mother Nature right back with one of these. 

Rob Manfred, terrified that not even the slow (well, relatively slow) descent into chaos of our entire ecological balance could stop the Seattle Mariners’ inevitable march towards a ring, hit back with one of these. 

And then the Mariners countered with a haymaker. 

The Seattle Mariners are an organization governed by one principle: unrelenting and uncompromising weirdness. The rest of the league has been put on notice. Things are going to get weird. And to prove I’m not just saying things, this is a real, actual bet I placed back in JULY. 

I really can’t stress this enough. This is not a bit – it’s not a joke or a goof or even a long-form character piece. This is real life. The Seattle Mariners have the sword of destiny. They don’t have it because they earned it, deserve it, or even want it. They just ARE it. 

Ben Ellenberg

Ben lives in Los Angeles and is almost always thinking about Tony Gwynn stuff.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Account / Login