Baseball Superlatives: Week Three

This season is officially magic.

Hello! Welcome to Superlatives. A weekly roundup post where we hand out some superlatives and awards for the previous week in baseball. 

Having The Time Of Their Lives For Something Unpredictable, But In The End It’s Right 


The NL East Is Very Weird 


I checked the standings tonight just to be sure and I can proudly confirm that yes, this season is still weird. 

Go ahead and imagine someone last year told you that the Miami Marlins would be .778 without a single home win on August 8th, 2020. Now, take the requisite twenty minutes to finish laughing. Now, take the additional 10 minutes you need to stop asking them for the drugs they’re on. 

Now, take another 10 minutes for them to convince you it’s true and they’re in a Back to the Future -esque Marty McFly scenario. And, yes, take the final five minutes you’ll need to place a substantial bet on the Marlins. Then take a minute to realize this is all hypothetical and you’re finding this information out on August 8th, 2020.

Now, spend a few seconds realizing that missing a week of baseball because your team would rather go to a bar than stay safe from a deadly pandemic is NOT winning baseball, no matter how smoothly part-time owner and full-time mascot, Derek Jeter, pitched it to his front office. 

Then, take another glorious revelatory second to remember that Rob Manfred is the commissioner of the MLB, and that Rob Manfred hates Major League Baseball, and this outcome is actually entirely viable. 

Go make that bet on the Marlins, is what I’m saying. Any bet. Every bet. This season is magic and the fairy dust powering it is negligent executive oversight. 



Saddest Tuba Noise—Womp Womp


Jose Altuve and the No Good Very Bad Inning


Look, as a Red Sox fan I want to try to keep the Astros jokes to a simmer. I live in a big glass house that’s actively shattering around me, and the last thing I want to do is laugh at Houston. 

But let’s just laugh at Houston for a second. Just one second. Indulge me here, please. 

Joe Altuve had a bad inning and it’s worth talking about. 

First, he botched a routine grounder


Then, he botched a routine out at second.


And then he straight up pop-warnered a fly ball.

You absolutely, positively, undeniably hate to see it. Bang a sad little trash can for our boys in orange. 



Most Fun: For Someone Having The Most Fun


Juan Soto Loves His Job


It bears repeating that nobody in the history of baseball has had more fun being a baseball player than Juan Soto



Most Inevitable: Mike Trout Is A Flat Circle


Mike Trout Celebrates His Birthday Again


Mike Trout missed the start of the season for paternity leave. During that time, he batted 1.000 by naming his child Beckham Aaron Trout, otherwise known as BAT. 

So then Bat Dad came back and hit 5 home runs in 11 games, including his fifth birthday home run of his career. 

The pantheon of Mikes is as follows: 






And, I think it’s safe to say, Trout. 



Aaron Judge Hit The Roof of Tropicana Field With A Home Run: For That Time That Aaron Judge Hit The Roof of Tropicana Field With A Home Run


Because Aaron Judge Hit The Roof of Tropicana Field With A Home Run


Hey guys, Aaron Judge hit the roof of Tropicana Field with a home run.



Most Neat Thing: For Whatever’s A Neat Thing


The Marlins Win Gold 


Let’s stay with the Miami Marlins here. I don’t know if you heard, but they’re in first place. I also don’t know if you heard, but like half their time got sidelined for going out to a bar during a pandemic. If their manager looked anything like Kevin Costner, this movie would already be on Disney+. 

It doesn’t hurt that the Marlins are doing stuff like calling up hometown heroes with olympic medals in… let me check my notes here… figure skating? 


And he’s doing stuff like this?


Bo Jackson has absolutely nothing on Eddy Alvarez. I’m not even gonna do the rest of this piece, I’m just going to list Disney Channel Original Movie titles:

  • On Ice 2: Gone Fishing
  • Silver Medal Slugger 
  • Rookie Of The Year But It’s Ice Skating and The Marlins
  • Smooth Eddy Plays The Field
    And then I have two suggestions from a friend here:
  • 5 Tool Runnings
  • Eddie’s Triple Axel Walk Off



The Mariners World Series Report: Got ‘Em Right Where We Want ‘Em


Previous Odds: 116%

Current Odds: 150% 

Percentage Change: +34% 

Vegas Odds: 150/1 

Many would claim that being 5-11 and dead last in the AL West would diminish the Mariners’ chances of winning the World Series. Many would say that having a 6.14 team ERA would be a red flag. Others would claim that a single rookie having a strong year is not reason to bet my life savings on the Seattle Mariners

Others would say now is not a good time to start pulling permits to shut down major city streets in Seattle for some time after October. They would say that I do not need to have a hotel room already booked by the waterfront, and that my flights into Seattle-Tacoma International Airport should be refundable. 

None of those people are my friend Vinny, who continues to assure me the Mariners are the best team in baseball. For starters, the Mariners are only 2 games back from the Houston Astros for the 2nd playoff spot in the AL West, and nothing would be kookier than a one-time playoff rule in a plague-shortened season being what sends the Mariners to the playoffs for the first time in nearly two decades. Honestly, this only makes their World Series case stronger. 

And besides, Evan White is doing stuff like this. 


Book it: Mariners beat the Dodgers in 4 games. 


Ben Ellenberg

Ben lives in Los Angeles and is almost always thinking about Tony Gwynn stuff.

2 responses to “Baseball Superlatives: Week Three”

  1. Myles Nelson says:

    The Pantheon of Mikes 100% includes Jackson as well.

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