Baseball Superlatives: Week Two

The Marlins almost ended the MLB, Joe Kelly almost ended Carlos Correa

Hello! Welcome to Superlatives. A weekly roundup post where we hand out some superlatives and awards for the previous week in baseball. 


Biggest Oof 

For Taking The Biggest L 

The Miami Marlins Almost Ruined Baseball, But This Time For Everyone 

Last Sunday, four players tested positive for COVID-19 on the Miami Marlins. The team made a decision to still play the Philadelphia Phillies, who apparently were also made aware of the status of those four Marlins players. 

Fast forward to Friday, and there are now 20 positive tests among the Miami Marlins – 18 of them belong to players. There have also been six positive tests reported on the St. Louis Cardinals, and a positive test reported on the attending staff of the Phillies. This has led to numerous cancelled games and uncertainty among fans and players as to what the MLB’s larger plan is going forward. 

Look, this is very serious. It’s very easy to dunk on the Marlins for this, because quite frankly it’s ridiculous that we didn’t see this coming from the Miami Marlins, the Florida Man of MLB teams. In truth, it’s irresponsible and short sighted for MLB to leave decisions like this to players, who are always going to want to play baseball. It’s their job to let the players do their jobs in the best, safest conditions possible. 

That said, it’s very funny that the Marlins tried to make baseball as frustrating for us as it is for them. 

So now the 18 infected Marlins have to go home to quarantine as quickly and efficiently as possible.

And resist the urge to pull the bus over for some wings at half a dozen bars on the way back. You know, like what the team allegedly did in the first place.



Saddest Tuba Noise

Womp Womp

Imagine Trying To Run On Mookie Betts.

Seriously, just imagine it. Put yourself in the shoes of a professionall baseball player as he makes the decision to test Mookie’s arm. 

You can’t do it. 


Welcome To San Junipero 

Most Likely To Be A Black Mirror Episode

The Simulation is Cracking

Fox, I’m begging you. Stop the SimFans. I’m already constantly reminded of how weird this world is, I don’t need to see oldschool MVP Baseball glitches happening on your live broadcast. And if I’m gonna see them, I’m going to need these broadcasts to get even weirder. Start offering blatant sponsorship deals for your SimFans.

Give me the Michelin Man sitting behind the away dugout, ruthlessly heckling a player while patting his gigantic, rotund, tire tummy. Show me security escorting the Michelin Man out of the ballpark, you cowards.  



Most Mic’d

Best Microphone Moment


We all sort of know these things happen, but I don’t think we ever got a full broadcast-level recording of just how much oomph there is in an MLB slide gone wrong. Sound on for this, please.

This is one of my favorite things about empty games. 



The Manfred Conspiracy Corner

Best Conspiracy Of The Week

Joe Kelly Had A Productive Offseason 

Remember that video of Joe Kelly doing some throwing practice that ended up taking out his window? 

At the time, people thought it was just Joe Kelly shaking the rust off. Those that had watched him over the years knew this was Joe Kelly in peak midseason form. See, that wasn’t a curve that got away from my guy Joe, that was a unique pitch he’s been working on for years. Think I’m nuts? Here’s that pitch again, during the season. 

Now everyone knew Dodgers vs. Astros would be an event. The Dodgers, who have been an incredibly rich, well-managed and successful team (as long as success is losing in the World Series) are playing the Astros, who are all those things and also cheaters. Big cheaters. And the greatest loser of this cheating has been, yes, the Dodgers. 

The problem here is normally, none of this would have anything to do with Joe Kelly, a man who won the World Series AGAINST the Dodgers as a member of the Boston Red Sox (who have had their own cheating scandal nipping at them) and thus, really should want no smoke at all when it comes to an Astros vs. Dodgers beef. 

But, again, those of us who have been watching Joe Kelly for years know this one thing to be true: Joe Kelly wants all the smoke. So that pitch from the offseason came back against Alex Bregman, the poster child for Astros hate. 

This pitch has a name. It’s called The First Rule, and it’s an invitation to join the Joe Kelly Fight Club. Alex Bregman wanted nothing to do with the invite, and honestly kind of had the resigned face of someone who knew this was going to happen a lot this year. Joe Kelly kept on being Joe Kelly, and did Joe Kelly things at the end of this same inning. 

Now you can tell me this is a wild pitch, and I’d believe you. It’s probably true. You could even tell me the Bregman pitch was wild as well, and Joe Kelly didn’t mean to hit anyone. But that doesn’t matter. Because Dave Roberts started Joe Kelly tonight, so he knew exactly what he was getting, and that’s why he was eventually suspended a game for this. This was all orchestrated. If nothing else, this season will have given us another chapter in the legend of Joe Kelly, undefeated champion of the Joe Kelly vs. The World tour. 


And then he got suspended for 8 games. It’s boring by now to point out that this Kelly is being forced to miss more games than the entire 2017 Astros squad combined, who were suspended for exactly zero days. So I’ll just say that and be done with it. Kelly is being forced to miss more games than the entire 2017 Astros squad combined, who were suspended for exactly zero days.



For The Quickest Reveal Of A Bad Take

Dave Roberts Thinks Things Are Chill, Sends Out Joe Kelly.




The Mariners World Series Report 

Smells Like MVP.

Previous Odds: 100%

Current Odds: 116% 

Percentage Change: +16% 

Vegas Odds: 200/1 

I filed this article before their respective games ended, but after running hundreds of simulations by asking my Mariners-fan friend Vinny who he wanted to win tonight, I’m able to project that the Mariners are currently 5-4, while the Astros are 5-5. This means, if I’m doing my math right, that the Seattle Mariners are currently playoff-bound. 

Not only that, but I’m pretty sure Kyle Lewis is going to win Rookie of the Year. 

And who is the last Mariner to win Rookie of the Year, you might ask? Ichiro Suzuki in 2001, who also won MVP that same year. Since then, Robinson Cano won 2017 All-Star Game MVP, which is something I guess? I didn’t really have to mention it but those awards deserve some recognition every so often, you know? 

So the Mariners are currently on track to make the playoffs and have an MVP-winning rookie. As of now, the parade route looks like it’s going to take us from 7th Avenue and Pine onto 5th Avenue from Pine to University, then eventually on to Westlake Center. Tickets are not on sale yet, but keep an eye out. 


Ben Ellenberg

Ben lives in Los Angeles and is almost always thinking about Tony Gwynn stuff.

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