Dear Santa… Love, Baseball

A Christmas wish for every MLB team.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even an unsigned free agent, for the owners had unanimously voted to lock all the players out and ‘twould be illegal for them to negotiate new salaries!

Still and all, despite those 30 Scrooges, it remains Christmas. Some teams have been nice this year. Some teams have been naughty. Perhaps the Pirates would actually like a lump of coal if it came at the major league minimum, and Erik Neander is probably already working on a way to replace Santa’s production with a more affordable platoon of lesser saints. But no matter their differences, every single MLB team wants something this year. Of course, each team should ask for the basics: holes in their lineups to be filled, breakout performances, high attendance, maybe even a pennant if they’ve been extra good.

But here are some ideas for what else each team should ask for.


American League East


Orioles: For Adley Rutschman to fall so deeply in love with Maryland crab-cakes that he signs an extension and the Rutschman-aissance can officially begin in Baltimore.

Blue Jays: A new division, a full year at home, and for a few more ex-Major League players to have children that the Jays can build their dynasty with.

Red Sox: For one of their young stars to emerge as the new face-of-the-franchise, one worthy of replacing previous Boston legends like Ted Williams, Mookie Betts, and, more recently, the great “payroll flexibility.”

Yankees: A new set of impossibly high expectations from their fanbase that no team could ever fulfill. Or a few left-handed hitters. Whichever keeps them below the luxury tax line.

Rays: For the always creative Ji-Man Choi to rediscover the switch-hitting magic he found in his second right-handed (and very rare) at-bat as a Ray.


American League Central


Twins: To face any other team in the playoffs besides the New York Yankees. Any. Other. Team.

Royals: Health for Adalberto Mondesí, and a deep and uncompromising happiness for Salvador Pérez, for he hath earned it.

Tigers: For Spencer Torkelson to make his debut, Miggy to get his 3000th hit, and Javier Báez to somehow top his jaw-dropping base-running play from last year—ideally all in the same game.

Guardians: For every kid in the Greater Cleveland area to find a new Guardians hat under their tree this holiday season.

White Sox: Many, many more primetime Tim Anderson walk-off homers, whether they should occur in cornfields or literally anywhere else.


American League West


Rangers: Hometown hero Clayton Kershaw, in a cowboy hat.

Angels: The wildest Michael Lorenzen/Shohei Ohtani double-switch (triple-switch?! QUADRUPLE-SWITCH?!!?!?) antics imaginable.

Athletics: The least fire-sale-y of fire-sales, the least rebuild-y of rebuilds, the least tear-it-all-down-and-set-it-all-on-fire-and-watch-it-slowly-burn-y of, well, you get it.

Mariners: That through off-season acquisitions, the arrival of hyped prospects, or just general Christmas magic, a positive fun differential can turn into a positive run differential.

Astros: For Zack Greinke to throw an eephus with a lower MPH than Justin Verlander’s years of age.


National League East


Nationals: 300 million dollars to then give to Juan Soto? 400 million? 500? 600? Whatever. Enough money for them to give to Juan Soto. However much he wants.

Marlins: How about some Jazz? Very, very loud Jazz. Full volume Jazz. This One Goes to Eleven Jazz.

Mets: For Max Scherzer to continue to pitch well enough to win another Cy Young, while also finally settling the age-old debate of “rat or raccoon.”

Phillies: A functional bullpen and the triumphant return of the Phanatic himself.

Braves: A first-baseman. Any old first-baseman. Really, they’re not picky, it doesn’t matter which first-baseman it is, as long as his name rhymes with Schmreddy Schmreeman.


National League Central


Pirates: A new CBA that won’t deprive them of any top draft picks as their tanking adventure trucks on.

Cubs: For their recently departed army of stars to have, well, not bad years, but years that aren’t so good they make every fan in Wrigleyville want to strangle themselves with the ivy.

Reds: For Eugenio Suárez to never start another game at shortstop and for Joey Votto to never give up his relentless fight with Father Time.

Cardinals: For the tree trunk arms of Tyler O’Neill to keep on doing this…

Brewers: For Mike Trout’s lookalike to put up Mike Trout lookalike numbers, for Christian Yelich to put up Christian Yelich numbers, and for as many innings as Santa can spare to give Corbin Burnes for his Cy Young follow-up.


National League West


Diamondbacks: How about a 29 game WINNING streak? Can Saint Nick do that?

Rockies: An organizational strategy that is even 50 percent coherent.

Padres: For new manager Bob Melvin to never apologize for Fernando Tatís Jr. doing this…

Or this…

Or even this…

Dodgers: To prove last year was just a silly blip in what will prove to be a centuries-long streak of feasting on the rest of the West like they’re a triple order of In-n-Out animal-style fries.

Giants: To prove last year wasn’t a silly blip and that it was just the beginning of what will prove to be a centuries-long streak of feasting on the rest of the West like they’re a triple order of In-n-Out animal style fries.



Only time will tell which teams will have their wishes granted by Santa and which teams will be left wondering how they could be so naughty to deserve another 100 loss season. Until then, all we can really say is:

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a “please let this lockout be as short as possible… and goodnight!


Design by Michael Packard (@designsbypack on Twitter @ IG)

Sam French

Brooklyn-based writer-- primarily of fiction, sometimes other stuff like baseball. Was once almost ejected from a rec softball game for employing too many infield shifts.

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