We’ve already seen some of the biggest players sign in free agency this off-season. Max Scherzer signed with the New York Mets, Corey Seager signed with the Texas Rangers, and Robbie Ray signed with the Seattle Mariners. That’s old news though. What about the remaining players in free agency? Where will they sign? We’re in the midst of a lockout within the MLB and there are still a few free agents that have yet to find a home. The good news for them is that there are plenty of teams in need of their talent. They might not be a part of the 30 current major league teams, but that won’t stop them from signing a big-name player!
Welcome to Fictional Free Agency.
Carlos Correa – The Bears (The Bad News Bears)
It’s no surprise that Carlos Correa doesn’t have many friends across the majors. He was one of the most outspoken players during the 2017 Houston Astros cheating scandal and from that, made a lot of enemies. It’s possible that Correa feels like an outsider within the MLB. With that being said, there’s no better team to sign the 27-year-old shortstop than The Bears. They’re the most controversial team in the league that is full of misunderstood outsiders. Correa would fit in with The Bears like Mike Trout would at a goat convention. Tanner Boyle is the Bears’ current shortstop but he’s a bit of a hot-head. After the first loss of the season, he tried to fight the entire opposing team. Who is he, Yasiel Puig? Boyle also has an extremely foul mouth that says downright horrible things. I’m expecting a suspension or Twitter cancellation for him at any given point in time. That leaves the door wide open for Correa to man the position. Although Boyle and Correa have similar attitudes, Carlos is certainly a better ballplayer.
As long as Correa doesn’t try to fight the entire 7th grade, The Bears will win a lot more games with this signing.
“Those Yankees are real turds.” -Tanner Boyle, and Carlos Correa, probably.
Clayton Kershaw – Humongous Melonheads (Backyard Baseball)
Three of the greatest honors that you can receive in baseball are being inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, having a team retire your number, and being included in Backyard Baseball. If Clayton Kershaw were to sign with the Humongous Melonheads, he could possibly achieve all three in his career. There’s no question that the team can afford to pay him. The rest of the team comprises kids that are being paid in bubble gum and baseball cards. Kershaw’s skill has never been debated—he’s a generational pitcher. His pitching stat would be maxed out, ten baseballs long. Clayton’s curveball would leave players like Reese Worthington walking out of Steele Stadium with a bat between his legs. Even at his current age, he would never tire on the mound. After striking out the side, he’d drink some juice and be as good as new. Currently, the one knock on Kershaw is that his fastball velocity continues to dip each year. When his team scores a couple of runs, he’d be able to unlock the “Fire Ball” pitch. We could see Kershaw throwing 200 mph with ease. He would join the ranks of Randy Johnson as the best left-handed pitcher in the league.
This is the type of player that would push the Melonheads into playoff conversations. I’d draft Kershaw on my team, but not before Pablo Sanchez of course.
Freddie Freeman – Springfield Isotopes (The Simpsons)
The Springfield Isotopes are a notoriously bad baseball team despite winning a championship once. When your team is sponsored by Duff Beer, the players are most likely a group of drunks. That’s why signing Freddie Freeman would be smart. He’s a family man, a natural leader, and a talented ballplayer. The Isotopes are in desperate need of a veteran presence on the team to right the ship. There are some big-name players on this team already. Smash Diggins. Flash Bailor. Fishbone Walker. Babe Ruth IV. These are studs. They just happen to be struggling and currently lacking direction. I mean someone has to unlock the hidden potential inside Babe Ruth IV. He may be the illegitimate great-grandson of The Great Bambino but Freeman can at least teach him how to swing the bat instead of bunting.
There’s no hiding that this team needs help but Freddie is fresh off of winning a World Series and can be just what the doctor ordered. With the addition of Freeman, the Isotopes should also bring back Homer Simpson as the mascot. Since Homer got fired from being the Capital City Goofball, he can return to Springfield and inspire another winning streak led by Captain Frederick. They can also sign fellow free agent, Anthony Rizzo, as their pitcher. You might as well sign Freeman’s kryptonite while you’re at it, right?
Trevor Story – The Sandlot Team (The Sandlot)
What’s the only home stadium that’s better than Coors Field? You guessed it, The Sandlot. If Hamilton Porter is casually cranking homers to dead center field, Trevor Story should be blasting them over houses. He wouldn’t even need that thin Colorado air. Trevor’s natural position is shortstop. Currently, Alan “Yeah Yeah” McClennan fills that role. However, since their second baseman Bertram Weeks is currently missing, they could slide Yeah Yeah over to second and put Story at short for a solid defense up the middle. With his combination of power and speed, Story would be a perfect fit for The Sandlot Team. He could easily outrun the beast and give Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez a run for his money. If Story has a problem with anyone on the team, saying, “You’re killing me smalls!” would be accurate since he towers over the kids in size.
As long as he can keep his eyes on the ball and off of Wendy Peffercorn—this would be an ideal landing spot for the 29-year-old shortstop.
Zack Greinke – Durham Bulls (Bull Durham)
Tell me, what’s a better combination than a pitcher that tells the hitter what pitch is coming and a catcher that also tells the hitter what pitch is coming? Zack Greinke and Crash Davis would combine for some next-level mind games. Putting him in the same rotation as Nuke LaLoosh would be lethal. One night Nuke will be throwing upper 90 mph fastballs at your head and the next night Zack will drop 60 mph eephus pitches at your feet. Plus, Greinke would get to hook up with Annie Savoy. She could unwind his mind and help him with his anxiety to make him more confident on the mound. This would be an easy one-year contract to see if Greinke still has what it takes to pitch in the big leagues.
Just don’t tell Crash when you get called up to the show Zack, you might have to fight him.
Kris Bryant – Oakland Athletics (Moneyball)
This one might be breaking the rules of the lockout, but it’s a team from 2002 and Bug Selig would allow it. Kris Bryant will cost a little more than what the A’s were able to pay players back then but Bryant would be worth it. With a career .376 OBP and position flexibility, Kris could easily take the job of Terrence Long or David Justice in the outfield. Why? Because he gets on base. Long only had a .298 OBP that season and Justice is on his way out. It’s a no-brainer to sign Bryant. Ideally, you’d want to put him at his natural position of third base but Eric Chavez is occupying the hot corner. Put Bryant in left field, center field, I don’t care, his fielding does not matter. Also, Kris is from Las Vegas so Oakland wouldn’t be too far away from his home town. Just a quick one hour flight or eight hour drive and he’ll be at the batting cages with fellow Nevada native, Bryce Harper.
So listen up Art Howe, I want Bryant in left, Justice DH’ing, Pena on the bench, Hatteberg at first, and anyone but Mags first out of the pen. If it’s any way else, Billy will trade the entire team.
We’ll have to check in with these players throughout the season to see how they’re doing on their new teams. Until then, there’s nothing left to do but play ball… or wait for the lockout to end by binge-watching baseball movies.
Photos by Icon Sportswire Adapted by Doug Carlin (@Bdougals on Twitter)